In an earlier article, I discussed two different components of the self
Have you ever felt guilty for the way you feel? Do you have something that’s weighing you down? Is it preventing you from experiencing true and everlasting happiness? Well, welcome to the club of everyone.
Wait. What is this club of everyone? It is this club where everyone, including you and I, have the same issues and problems. And- even though I may be the one writing this article, it does not mean that I am not burdened with some issues or baggage that I carry with me on a daily basis. Yes, it’s true. We all feel guilty for something.
But I’ve recently discovered that part of the reason why we suffer is because we allows ourselves to. We suffer in silence. We believe that no one understands us, and that no one is going through some of their own ish. Bull-ish. Everyone has problems, and you would be surprised with the amount of people that can relate to whatever it is that you are dealing with. So suffer in silence no more. Sometimes, all it takes is to open up to someone to find out how normal you are. The right person can even make you feel appreciated, and hopefully they tell you, rather sternly to let go and forgive.
It's cold. Not the kind of cold where you turn the shower on, and noticeably you're hit with a sudden splash of cold that rips through your entire body like you have just been struck by thunder. No. This is the kind of cold that is the cold look on your eyes when all life has been is a heaping pile of bullshit. It’s the cold truth: that loneliness is the only thing you’ll ever get accustomed too. It’s the cold air that gently kisses your arms hair because you know you’re ready. You’ve been ready. In fact, you were born ready. You know you’ve survived the odds before, and here you stand, alone, but ready to survive the odds again.
I am naturally an introverted personality. In English, this means I’m much more reserved than the average person. I derive most of my energy from being alone, and spending time with myself, and further, getting things done on my own. This doesn’t mean I don’t get along with, or like hanging out with other people. Of course I do. It is just not the type of environment I thrive in. I’m much more dependant on proper preparation and planning than my extroverted counterparts, who for the most part, are spontaneous and can just wing and excel in any social situation. They like talking, I like writing. I like planning, they like spontaneity. Although it can be argued that the introverted personality doesn’t necessarily relate in any way to the lone wolf syndrome, I believe it is the fact that I am introverted that, essentially moulded me into a lone wolf.
I grew up liking a lot of the stuff everyone else did. I was into video games, sports, girls, guys, pretty much anything a normal adolescent was into.
No matter what it is you believe you’re missing out on... You are not really missing out on anything. Why? Simply because none of any of that stuff really matters unless you are truly happy with yourself. If there are certain goals you have and have yet to accomplish them, then having a great time with friends would only serve to be counter-productive. It is actually okay to be alone whilst you’re out accomplishing your dreams, because to be happy with yourself will make these trials of solitude, these times of loneliness all worth it in the end.
We live in an age of social media, where the vast majority of population is preoccupied with trying to garner fake approval and validation from people they hardly know. Whilst the herd is out chasing facades and fictitious self-empowerment, or false sense of identity, they are losing touch with what is most important in life.
1. Originality
One of the defining characteristics of a lone wolf is his ability to be unique and original. The ideas he possesses are a culmination of a shaky, treacherous, life terrain that he/she has trekked in order to be the person they are today. What defines them, is their unique perspectives, their original framework in which they view life, and their ability to be set a part from the crowd. As stated earlier, we live in a world of social media, in which being part of a crowd is the most desired. We all want to fit in. But the lone wolf personality has cultivated his aura from unique upbringing and detached social presence. He or she is person of their own image. They do not follow, but rather, they are born leaders in their own right. They provide to any context their very own, unique, perspective. This is achieved through their originality and individuality. It’s been argued that a lone-wolf, who is often socially reserved, may not achieve much or advance themselves in the social sphere, but in the next point I argue otherwise.
2. Calculation
The lone-wolf personality is often less impulsive and more calculated in their actions. Everything they do has passed their very own filtration system, and it is with careful consideration that they embark on any task. Introverts, although they may not be the first to jump into a social situation headfirst, they take their time to carefully plan and consider a variety of factors before contributing to any social context. Their ability to plan and prepare is what gives them the ability to excel in scenarios that require critical thought for success. Sure, they may be risk takers, but their desire to be certain and to ensure a predetermined outcome unveils according to plan, is what trumps a spontaneous decision made my extroverts. Where careful thought and consideration is required, the introverted lone-wolf prevails.
The life of an introvert can be really hard. They are often timid. They prefer to write rather than speak, and often because of their timidity their voice goes unheard. It is a very sad thought. As described in the aforementioned points, the lone-wolf’s personality is sometimes a refreshing touch, and their carefully thought out plans can be a great contribution both to someone’s personal life and in business. Where people are trying to fit in, often with great struggles, the desire to be different can serve to be the polarizing presence that allows others to relax and be O.K. with just being themselves. Often what we lack and what desperately need can be modeled from or simply just gazed upon from the introverted personality. When we’re stuck and trying to figure out what we need to get done, and what we value most in life, we can think of the lone-wolf who has been struggling even harder to figure themselves out, and model their ability to really think deeply about what we want most in life. To be able to be accustomed to letting go, as the lone-wolf would attest to, is something we should become O.K. with as well.
So: To my lone-Wolves out there. Be O.K. with being different. Though the road may be hard and lonely, your ability to be unique and to be well prepared will make you stand out. In a good way. You are a wolf and you should be ok with being without sheep’s clothing. You will make it. Like you always have. Stay forever true to yourself and strong. You can overcome anything. You’ve been through a lot already, and nothing can stand in the way of your own personal success, whatever that may be. This is my promise to you.
My eyes blink. The light outside is a little bright today, too bright for my eyes that it causes me to squint. I take a deep breathe in. As I let the air out, I see that my breath creates a cloud of misty smoke. I watch it as it lifts, rising slowly into invisible nonexistence. It fades away, and my eyes stay transfixed as after that mist I gone, I notice the clouds. Clouds crawling gently over the sky, inching closer and closer towards more carefreeness and ease. And I watch the clouds moving slowly across the blue canvas, I feel lighter. I feel like there is weight leaving my body. It is then...I start to realize...all my worries...they were like that mist that melted and merged into the atomosphere. They were leaving me. A smile spread across my face. Go. I don’t need you.
This is the power of presence. No I’m not talking the presence of spirits or demons or whatever else supernatural ish you may be into. No, this is not that kind of blog. The presence I mean here, is to be in the ‘Now’, that is, to be fully aware of what is going on not only inside of you but outside of you as well.
When you are focused on the present moment, it allows you to pay less mind to your thoughts. I’m not saying that thoughts are bad, some thoughts may be beneficial for you. There may be times where you need to think before you act, or think before you say something, and in these instances, some deep thinking and evaluation may be required. Other times, there may thoughts that are negative. By negative here, I mean, thoughts that cause you worry or concern. More specifically, these are thoughts that either surround events in the past, or they may worries about how things may turn out for you in the future.
Why worry about the past? The past is long and gone. There is nothing you can do to rewrite the history that is your past. Everything that occurred in your past has been etched into its place in your life’s timeline and no amount of thinking is going to correct or alter that period in time. Why focus on that? All that is wasted thoughts and energy consuming images, be it negative or positive, about something you can never change. Take a look around you. Isn’t there something you can focus on now that is much more beautiful? Is there not something you can focus on that can help you relax? (like your breathing for example).
Why worry about the future? The future for you is inevitable. It will come wash over you like a wave of fresh air. It will be the product of what you did NOW to create it. What you focus on right now is what will be directly involved in what tomorrow looks like. After all, what is tomorrow? The future. So whether it’s reading a book, taking someone out on a date, or just staying inside and watching Netflix, the more act of doing that will translate into what will become tomorrow. So what you do today will the reason you are the way you are tomorrow. The present is what makes the future. It is in this moment that you must decide what you want to do, to create the future you desire. What does focusing on the future NOW do? All it does it create unnecessary stress and anxiety over something that has not happened yet. Stress and worry may only serve to make the situation worse. In an emotional and tended state, you may make a rash decision that could create a future other than the one you wanted. It’s always better to stay calm. Focus on what you can change. Focus on right now.
The most important lesson in life is to be focused on the present moment. It is to pay close attention to your feelings, to how you feel now. It is to look around you and enjoy the opportunities and wonders that life gives us. It is to be in love and in awe of life itself. It is to watch then, all your worries and stress fade away...
They say curiosity kills the cat, but to me, curiosity can be better than a match in igniting a flame...
Have you wondered about anything in your life? Have you ever wanted to dwell deeper on a subject? Have you ever been so fascinated by something that you could hardly describe it, if I were to ask you to try to explain it in words?
To have such a deep level of fascination may be deterring for some, because truth be told, stepping outside of our comfort zone seems like a dangerous leap of faith. But, what is the comfort zone? The comfort zone to me, can be simply be described as the space in which our mind and body is willing to explore. For example, when we are deciding on where we want to eat, we may pick from a selection of options we know will not let us down. We may not be willing to take risks i.e., try something new. Trying something new like a new type of cuisine, maybe even as small as a new restaurant choice may pose as a huge risk for us. Would it not be better to just stick with something we know will not let us down? While I'll agree it is always better to be safe than sorry, avoiding risks can sometimes guarantee the best possible outcome for you; what do you have to lose?, the truth is it is stepping outside of the comfort zone that will allow for us to taste some of the better things in life. With so much to offer, and so little time left, I can say with almost absolute certainty, that if you took one step over that invisible line you drew between your imagination and the possibilities, the sky is the limit. I may not be the best selling author on this subject (yet), but there are very few things that I feared trying that I regretted after taking that initial leap into the faith; into unknown territory; into something that there may be no turning back. What greater thrills in life than that are there?
This doesn't mean go crazy and jump off a cliff into shark infested waters. All it means is that if you are curious about something, do not ever doubt your curiosity, for it is your curiosity that may be trying to tell you that your next adventure awaits. Fear, anxiety, our comfort zone, are three criminals in our life that often hold us back from experiencing some of the greatest things in life. I can name a number of people in my life who are afraid to try something new. I used to be one of them. I was afraid of investing time and money into something that may bring me no return. In business, we might call this a bad investment. But sometimes it may be worth putting money into a blue-chipper, or take the ultimate risk, and dump your wallet into a penny stock. You could never know until you try, and although this may sound like it exacerbates our fears around uncertainty...it of often better to live knowing you did not like something, than to live not knowing. I know for myself, I would kick myself if something interested me but I held myself back from the possibilities that it may open up for me.
I have been such a dick. That is not to say that you shouldn’t take anything I say seriously. It’s actually just really the fact that I have lived such a sad and pitiful life, that it is hard for me to be either completely happy or completely sad. I am always stuck trying to put on a mask; trying to be a person in any given situation, a person...any person...but clearly this person is someone that is not myself. Because. The truth is...I do not want anyone to see me sad or depressed because at the end of the day...I want to see myself lay in that greener grass that is supposed to be on the other side. And to help others do the same too. I want to lay pain and misery to rest, but I do not want to pay for a headstone because it does not deserve it. But try as I may, it is probably best if we accept it all. Accept our feelings because it is normal and because what we resist, persists. But it is hard for me, I will admit that. My life isn't exactly peachy for me. Growing up in a single parent household all my life, I always felt neglected one way or the other. I found it hard to maintain any kind of relationship because I witnessed the most important one (the marriage of my mother and father) fall between the cracks. Literally, I saw my mother's pain as my father beat her, and my mother took me to school with bruises on her face to the horror of my elementary school teachers. They all seemed really concerned about me growing up in those schools. I formed great bonds with a lot of my teachers who knew about my situation, and at night, along with the nightmares of my unfortunate upbringing, I am reminded of their smiles and their best wishes for me. In English, I really miss them a great deal. I wish I could have thanked them, and if I failed to live up to their support, guidance and direction, it was not because of them, it was because of me. In relationships that I have been in, I have had a hard time differing from right and wrong, and emotional abuse with my past lovers, were considered normal to me, and I could not see the gravity to which this form of violence was having a toll on these people that I loved greatly. There was nothing those teachers could have done to change that, it was just something for me to eventually decide to fix and to change and to work on that. Hence, the articles in this blog are a reflection of my eagerness to change, and each specific entry is a contribution to my readers of not only what I have learned, but pieces of material that will help the most on anyone's journey for improvement or self-discovery. And so, theoretically so, my life and my ability to form relationships is hindered by the lack of any meaningful relationships in my life. And so like a revolving door, I am always back at where I have started. Relationship after relationship, I have failed. I am sitting here now writing this blog entry, broke, hungry and lonely, and I do not know where my friends are. I numb my pain sometimes with a couple of casual friends at a bar sometimes (shout-out to Bombay Sapphire and Hendricks for sticking by me through thick and thin). But I do not resent anything or anybody for that matter. I am not here to point blame any longer, I am now determined on this path of self-development and personal restoration. TODAY!!!! YES WITH FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS. !!!!. I accept the pain, as a symbolic, symbiotic? if not, significant details of my life's lengthy mega-series. Because I dedicate my life, as long as I am in the here and now, to fix myself and to help others as best I can. Hopefully full time, but judging by the fact that my last three articles have not been viewed since they have gone up, I will need to do something else full-time for sure. But until then, I shall not give up and I shall never stop believing...
YAHHHHH. If all else fails, and I don't know, I die tomorrow or something, and there is only one viewer ever who reads this blog, I hope that person takes something away from this. I really hope my path and my pursuit of happiness inspires others to never give up on themselves. Because the answers to all our life's problems are out there, we just need to dedicate ourselves to the quest of our well-being and to integrate the knowledge that we acquire into our daily lives. Everything that I have spoke on or discussed since opening this blog, already works or has worked for me, so much so that I feel like I owe a lot of people an apology... You might meet me in person and see a guy full of smiles and think "There is no way he has been through what he says he has", but I promise you my road has been hard. It is only that I am more comfortable, usually in person, sharing my triumphs with you rather than my failures. It does not mean I am distant, secretive, elusive or "fake". It is just that I know that pain is in my mind, and no matter who you are and what you have been through, you can always climb out of whatever mess you are in. That being said, it is with great pleasure that I share information that has helped me, over the information about my struggles. At the end of the day, pain can bite the dust, and good will always triumph over evil. I will still share bits and pieces of my struggles, just to remind you that I am not a long lost brother of Buddha or some shaman/ guru that knows the secret to happiness. No, I am just a normal guy, just like everyone else, who has dedicated years (very boring years of seclusion in my room, and/or the library reading books) so I can learn to be happy with myself. And rather than play the blame game...I seek to find ways to overcome depression and suicidal thoughts, instead of using pharmaceutical, albeit an FDA approved version of street drugs, to overcome something you can do on your own. So I apologize to those that see a happy and jolly guy everyday because that is not who I am. I am only happy because I am taking the steps needed to overcome it, but behind the smile and the grin, is a history of pain and a quest for meaning. A quest that will last me a lifetime, and I will do my best to document it here, to share what I have learned, so others can learn from my life and integrate the knowledge to help themselves. I would also like to thank YOU, my dear friend, for taking the time out of your life to read my articles, and I hope you find the content informative. I hope you continue to read, because that above anything else, means a lot to me.
If anyone is reading this...stay off the goddamn drugs! They are seriously and extremely bad for you. They do all kinds of crazy things to your brain, like destroying receptors in your brain, and overwhelming your brain with a strong release of neuro-chemicals (if you will) that a lack thereof causes serious side effects like depression and...DEPRESSION!. Do you really want to be depressed?
"Cocaine is a hell of a drug" Rick James
I've had my fair share of bouts with depression, and I can tell you, it's not pretty. There is this general desire to turn to drugs and/or alcohol to remedy your extremely negative emotional state, but doing so only serves to exacerbate your condition. Although some would argue that it does help, the so-called "good" feelings you get from using drugs fades away like morning dew, and you are literally left scratching your head, wondering if doing more or drinking more will help (run-on sentence, I know). In fact, what really ends up happening is, you end up doing and/or drinking more, only to realize you're still depressed. I don't really need to say anymore as anyone should be able to understand that this inevitable leads to a cycle of masking depression with external substances.
I am no Eckhart Tolle or Deepak Chopra, and I am certainly not some M.D. or a psychologist with a phD, but I can tell you that relying on an external reality does not remedy an internal psychological state. No matter what drugs you take, and whatever comfort food you buy, if you are extremely un-satisfied with your life, you will always remember how unhappy you are, when the come-down hits or that sad song plays. The key to helping one rid themselves of depressing thought patterns, and negative self-talk, is to find happiness through the acceptance of your current circumstances. No matter how bad you think it is, it could be a whole lot worse, and so to be happy no matter what happens or has happened, is clearly something you owe to yourself. Everything happens for a reason. If you've just come out of a relationship, and you thought that person was the one, guess again. I mean, come on, there is usually someone better than your "ex" out there, and the t and the reason you haven't found this person is because you're too busy punishing yourself for the past, rather than looking forward to, and taking control of your future. You are the master of your own destiny. Nothing will ever come to you, unless you make the consistent effort to: 1. Forgive Yourself 2. Preserve your Self-Image 3. Keep Moving Foward. The above are all instrumental in helping you eliminate a negative mindset, and will be exactly what you need to find happiness.
Let's get a little bit deeper into this....
There are, in my opinion, three things (I shouldn't say things) but concepts that are vital to positive emotions and desirable emotional states...
1. Self-Talk
Self-Talk, put into layman terms, is exactly what it sounds like, i.e., it is the material that we feed our brain on a consistent basis. We, as human beings, are blessed to be one of the most intelligent species of the animal kingdom. Unfortunately, intelligence comes with a price. It is as much a blessing in disguise as it is a curse disguised as a blessing. What I mean to say is that because we are intelligent we know too much about ourselves to either validate or invalidate ourselves, based on what we believe to be the way(s) to be living our lives. The fact of the matter is, no one ever gets to decide the way you live your life, and further, what you accept into your life, except of course, you, yourself. That means no matter how bad of a mistake you've made, or how unattractive you assume you may be in relation to the cultural expectations of what a "Perfect 10" looks like, you can still be as happy or appreciative of your life, as if you were someone who had everything. In other words, it is possible for someone who has absolutely nothing to be as satisfied with their life as someone who has everything. The key to achieving this is through positive reinforcement, through self-talk. There are essentially two forms of self-talk; one being positive self-talk, the other being negative self-talk.
Negative self-talk is responsible for incapacitating our potential. Examples of negative self-talk include, but are not limited to: "I am not good enough", "I am an awful person", "I will never be able to accomplish this" etc. Basically, anything that you tell yourself, that ends up becoming self-limiting, or stunts your potential growth, can fit under the category of negative self-talk. This is obviously counter-productive to overcoming depression, stress, or simply striving to be the best you can be at anything in life. Instead, you want to be strictly focused on positive self-talk. Daily affirmations such as: "I am good enough", "I forgive myself for my mistakes and I am still an amazing person", "I love myself", "I love my life" and so on and so forth. From what little I have learned from the field of hypnosis, what Yoda once said is actually very true...
"Do or do not, there is no try" Yoda
Thus, when you are feeding your mind with positive reinforcement, be mindful of telling yourself things that will open up a grey area in the probability of your success. Do not use words like "try" or "maybe". It is either "I will" or "I will not" or "I can" or "I cannot".
Tell yourself today: I love myself, and I can get over my depression. I will be happy with myself no matter what. I love my life. Moving forward, I am sure you are excited as I am to be exploring the next concept in the path to positivity.., So let us get right into it...
2. Self- Image
This next concept somewhat goes hand-in-hand with the one I discussed earlier: Self-Talk. Because Self-Image can be constructed through the power of Self-Talk, it is no wonder I could not discuss one without touching on the other. Now we've learned through self-talk, that we can and should always see ourselves in a positive light. And further, we should be consistent in our efforts to ensure that we compliment ourselves whenever we can. These positive affirmations can also be used to create a positive self-image.
Self-Image is the way in which we view ourselves in our head. I believe it was Maxwell Maltz in his book called "Psycho-Cybernetics"that explained the concept of Self-Image the best. He states that the manner is which we view ourselves in our head directly influences the way we act in the real world. In other words, if we are consistently focused on our insecurities, then by nature, our insecurities will manifest itself, one way or the other, in our body language or our lifestyle choices. For example, if I criticize myself as someone who is incapable of being a really good car salesman, this form of appropriation will guarantee that I indeed, shall be, a really bad salesman. Likewise, if I was to imagine myself as someone who was really good at selling cars, then my habits, attitudes, and beliefs will inevitably align themselves to make my mental image my reality. This idea can also be explained by theories such as the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, or Rene Descartes Cogito Ergo Sum (or in layman terms: I think, therefore, I am). As someone who has made a living out of teaching these epistemologies, if not ideologies, once said: "What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve"
Thus, the goal today should be conceiving for yourself a self-image that is both positive and constructive. It is about being compassionate with yourself, and not trying to find blame in yourself and other people. It is about understanding that everybody makes mistakes and that even the happiest and most successful person today can tell you the story of how they walked through the valley of the shadow of hell. We have all been through catastrophes, tragedies, and honestly, it gets better the moment you believe that you're capable of greater things. As long as you hold and envision a positive and essentially, the ideal image of yourself, in your mind and you hold onto that no matter how thick the fog on your road gets, nothing will get in the way of what you're destined to be.
Alright! So we made it this far, and we've covered two concepts that are fundamentally important to staying positive, and rather than flood your mind with too much information, I will withdraw from talking about the third concept immediately. Since the third concept is essentially the topic of my next article, I will tie these two articles together, rather than writing so much in one article that you fall asleep before I get to finish. I will leave this video below, in closing, I would like to thank the people that accidentally fall onto my blog and read the entries. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read and comment below.
It's 5:08 AM...a quiet summer night in the normally loud, and obnoxious city of Toronto...
It's really quiet today. I can't hear anything, except for the silently-deafening tapping of my fingers hitting the letters on the keypad of my iPhone 7. I can't sleep either because my mind is racing like a dam that has penetrated open; thinking of all the things I want to accomplish in my life.
I'm 28, recently single, and still haven't found my life purpose. Am I destined to have a family someday? Or is my family, quite possibly, the audience in you that I desperately seek, so I can feed myself like the starving artist that I am.
Will I ever find love? Or is my entire life experience going to turn my heart so numb, that I will become a heart-breaking, energy-seducing vampire, who forgets the fragility of the heart because he forgot he had one. I refuse to accept that I am at my mid-life crisis simply for the fact that, the amount of alcohol I consume, combined with my smoking habits, is such a toxic concoction that if by some miracle I do make it to 56...I will never get to fulfill my desire to be a liver donor.
C'est la vie. That's life. For it wouldn't be life if it wasn't so hard would it? And it's never to late to find yourself. Maybe someday, this blog will get enough support to earn a nickel, and I'll end up a successful writer, driving down the dream-inspiring, dark and alluring, crowded streets of Downtown Toronto in Ferrari Spyder.
No matter what happens, I will always love writing. I remember the amazing English teachers I had in high school, that saw potential in a goofy but handsome, young foreigner, who had some sweet material. Whether I was the top of my class, or even someone who was going to be someone...someday...is beyond me, but what I do know is that Joker is wrong. If you are good at something, sometimes you should do it for free.
Take writing for example, I may never make anything out of this...but to sit here at 5 in the morning, writing into my diary, and then tearing the page out for the world to see, feels like I just lifted an anvil off my chest, and threw it away in memory of Charlie Chaplin's permission to make a fool of myself.
It feels really good. It's almost as if I need to do this. Because in spite of everything I've been through, writing has become my escape.
Tears become rain. Flames turn to ember. And the breath of fresh air will become carbon dioxide on the way out. Writing however, will always be writing. Rather than laugh, cry, or get angry, I choose to stay silent and write about the first few thoughts that come to mind. I'm not here to say the expression of normal emotions such as sadness, anger and joy are not good for you (in fact, research has shown expressing emotion to be highly therapeutic). I'm simply stating that I feel the need to let life's lessons push me further and further into the hellhole known as productivity.
So here I am, I guess you could say: "I'm home" but I never left, I simply turned my back on myself.
Here's to homecomings and new beginnings...believe me, no matter what we will make it. I will be writing even if I have no money, no love, and no friends. Because we need ourselves to make any of that work, so believe in yourself. Do what makes you happy. God willing, the rest will follow.
