Dear Diary

I have been such a dick. That is not to say that you shouldn’t take anything I say seriously. It’s actually just really the fact that I have lived such a sad and pitiful life, that it is hard for me to be either completely happy or completely sad. 

        I am always stuck trying to put on a mask; trying to be a person in any given situation, a person...any person...but clearly this person is someone that is not myself. Because. The truth is...I do not want anyone to see me sad or depressed because at the end of the day...I want to see myself lay in that greener grass that is supposed to be on the other side. And to help others do the same too. I want to lay pain and misery to rest, but I do not want to pay for a headstone because it does not deserve it. 

        But try as I may, it is probably best if we accept it all. Accept our feelings because it is normal and because what we resist, persists. But it is hard for me, I will admit that. My life isn't exactly peachy for me. Growing up in a single parent household all my life, I always felt neglected one way or the other. I found it hard to maintain any kind of relationship because I witnessed the most important one (the marriage of my mother and father) fall between the cracks. Literally, I saw my mother's pain as my father beat her, and my mother took me to school with bruises on her face to the horror of my elementary school teachers. 

            They all seemed really concerned about me growing up in those schools. I formed great bonds with a lot of my teachers who knew about my situation, and at night, along with the nightmares of my unfortunate upbringing, I am reminded of their smiles and their best wishes for me. In English, I really miss them a great deal. I wish I could have thanked them, and if I failed to live up to their support, guidance and direction, it was not because of them, it was because of me. In relationships that I have been in, I have had a hard time differing from right and wrong, and emotional abuse with my past lovers, were considered normal to me, and I could not see the gravity to which this form of violence was having a toll on these people that I loved greatly. There was nothing those teachers could have done to change that, it was just something for me to eventually decide to fix and to change and to work on that. Hence, the articles in this blog are a reflection of my eagerness to change, and each specific entry is a contribution to my readers of not only what I have learned, but pieces of material that will help the most on anyone's journey for improvement or self-discovery. 

        And so, theoretically so, my life and my ability to form relationships is hindered by the lack of any meaningful relationships in my life. And so like a revolving door, I am always back at where I have started. Relationship after relationship, I have failed. I am sitting here now writing this blog entry, broke, hungry and lonely, and I do not know where my friends are. I numb my pain sometimes with a couple of casual friends at a bar sometimes (shout-out to Bombay Sapphire and Hendricks for sticking by me through thick and thin). But I do not resent anything or anybody for that matter. I am not here to point blame any longer, I am now determined on this path of self-development and personal restoration. 

         TODAY!!!! YES WITH FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS. !!!!.  I accept the pain, as a symbolic, symbiotic? if not, significant details of my life's lengthy mega-series. Because I dedicate my life, as long as I am in the here and now, to fix myself and to help others as best I can. Hopefully full time, but judging by the fact that my last three articles have not been viewed since they have gone up, I will need to do something else full-time for sure. But until then, I shall not give up and I shall never stop believing...

YAHHHHH.  If all else fails, and I don't know, I die tomorrow or something, and there is only one viewer ever who reads this blog, I hope that person takes something away from this. I really hope my path and my pursuit of happiness inspires others to never give up on themselves. Because the answers to all our life's problems are out there, we just need to dedicate ourselves to the quest of our well-being and to integrate the knowledge that we acquire into our daily lives. 

        Everything that I have spoke on or discussed since opening this blog, already works or has worked for me, so much so that I feel like I owe a lot of people an apology...

        You might meet me in person and see a guy full of smiles and think "There is no way he has been through what he says he has", but I promise you my road has been hard. It is only that I am more comfortable, usually in person, sharing my triumphs with you rather than my failures. It does not mean I am distant, secretive, elusive or "fake". It is just that I know that pain is in my mind, and no matter who you are and what you have been through, you can always climb out of whatever mess you are in. That being said, it is with great pleasure that I share information that has helped me, over the information about my struggles. At the end of the day, pain can bite the dust, and good will always triumph over evil. I will still share bits and pieces of my struggles, just to remind you that I am not a long lost brother of Buddha or some shaman/ guru that knows the secret to happiness. No, I am just a normal guy, just like everyone else, who has dedicated years (very boring years of seclusion in my room, and/or the library reading books) so I can learn to be happy with myself. And rather than play the blame game...I seek to find ways to overcome depression and suicidal thoughts, instead of using pharmaceutical, albeit an FDA approved version of street drugs, to overcome something you can do on your own.

       So I apologize to those that see a happy and jolly guy everyday because that is not who I am. I am only happy because I am taking the steps needed to overcome it, but behind the smile and the grin, is a history of pain and a quest for meaning. A quest that will last me a lifetime, and I will do my best to document it here, to share what I have learned, so others can learn from my life and integrate the knowledge to help themselves. 

       I would also like to thank YOU, my dear friend, for taking the time out of your life to read my articles, and I hope you find the content informative. I hope you continue to read, because that above anything else, means a lot to me. 

          

Staying Positive

         If anyone is reading this...stay off the goddamn drugs! They are seriously and extremely bad for you. They do all kinds of crazy things to your brain, like destroying receptors in your brain, and overwhelming your brain with a strong release of neuro-chemicals (if you will) that a lack thereof causes serious side effects like depression and...DEPRESSION!. Do you really want to be depressed?

       
                   "Cocaine is a hell of a drug" Rick James

                      I've had my fair share of bouts with depression, and I can tell you, it's not pretty. There is this general desire to turn to drugs and/or alcohol to remedy your extremely negative emotional state, but doing so only serves to exacerbate your condition. Although some would argue that it does help, the so-called "good" feelings you get from using drugs fades away like morning dew, and you are literally left scratching your head, wondering if doing more or drinking more will help (run-on sentence, I know). In fact, what really ends up happening is, you end up doing and/or drinking more, only to realize you're still depressed. I don't really need to say anymore as anyone should be able to understand that this inevitable leads to a cycle of masking depression with external substances.




         I am no Eckhart Tolle or Deepak Chopra, and I am certainly not some M.D. or a psychologist with a phD, but I can tell you that relying on an external reality does not remedy an internal psychological state. No matter what drugs you take, and whatever comfort food you buy, if you are extremely un-satisfied with your life, you will always remember how unhappy you are, when the come-down hits or that sad song plays. The key to helping one rid themselves of depressing thought patterns, and negative self-talk, is to find happiness through the acceptance of your current circumstances. No matter how bad you think it is, it could be a whole lot worse, and so to be happy no matter what happens or has happened, is clearly something you owe to yourself. Everything happens for a reason. If you've just come out of a relationship, and you thought that person was the one, guess again. I mean, come on, there is usually someone better than your "ex" out there, and the t and the reason you haven't found this person is because you're too busy punishing yourself for the past, rather than looking forward to, and taking control of your future. You are the master of your own destiny. Nothing will ever come to you, unless you make the consistent effort to: 1. Forgive Yourself  2. Preserve your Self-Image 3. Keep Moving Foward. The above are all instrumental in helping you eliminate a negative mindset, and will be exactly what you need to find happiness.

          Let's get a little bit deeper into this....

         There are, in my opinion, three things (I shouldn't say things) but concepts that are vital to positive emotions and desirable emotional states...

                1. Self-Talk

           Self-Talk, put into layman terms, is exactly what it sounds like, i.e., it is the material that we feed our brain on a consistent basis. We, as human beings, are blessed to be one of the most intelligent species of the animal kingdom. Unfortunately, intelligence comes with a price. It is as much a blessing in disguise as it is a curse disguised as a blessing. What I mean to say is that because we are intelligent we know too much about ourselves to either validate or invalidate ourselves, based on what we believe to be the way(s) to be living our lives. The fact of the matter is, no one ever gets to decide the way you live your life, and further, what you accept into your life, except of course, you, yourself. That means no matter how bad of a mistake you've made, or how unattractive you assume you may be in relation to the cultural expectations of what a "Perfect 10" looks like, you can still be as happy or appreciative of your life, as if you were someone who had everything. In other words, it is possible for someone who has absolutely nothing to be as satisfied with their life as someone who has everything. The key to achieving this is through positive reinforcement, through self-talk. There are essentially two forms of self-talk; one being positive self-talk, the other being negative self-talk.

           Negative self-talk is responsible for incapacitating our potential. Examples of negative self-talk include, but are not limited to: "I am not good enough", "I am an awful person", "I will never be able to accomplish this" etc. Basically, anything that you tell yourself, that ends up becoming self-limiting, or stunts your potential growth, can fit under the category of negative self-talk. This is obviously counter-productive to overcoming depression, stress, or simply striving to be the best you can be at anything in life. Instead, you want to be strictly focused on positive self-talk. Daily affirmations such as: "I am good enough", "I forgive myself for my mistakes and I am still an amazing person", "I love myself", "I love my life" and so on and so forth. From what little I have learned from the field of hypnosis, what Yoda once said is actually very true...

                                                   "Do or do not, there is no try" Yoda
           
                     Thus, when you are feeding your mind with positive reinforcement, be mindful of telling yourself things that will open up a grey area in the probability of your success. Do not use words like "try" or "maybe". It is either "I will" or "I will not" or "I can" or "I cannot".

              Tell yourself today: I love myself, and I can get over my depression. I will be happy with myself no matter what. I love my life. 

              Moving forward, I am sure you are excited as I am to be exploring the next concept in the path to positivity.., So let us get right into it...

          2. Self- Image

            This next concept somewhat goes hand-in-hand with the one I discussed earlier: Self-Talk. Because Self-Image can be constructed through the power of Self-Talk, it is no wonder I could not discuss one without touching on the other. Now we've learned through self-talk, that we can and should always see ourselves in a positive light. And further, we should be consistent in our efforts to ensure that we compliment ourselves whenever we can. These positive affirmations can also be used to create a positive self-image.

           Self-Image is the way in which we view ourselves in our head. I believe it was Maxwell Maltz in his book called "Psycho-Cybernetics" that explained the concept of Self-Image the best. He states that the manner is which we view ourselves in our head directly influences the way we act in the real world. In other words, if we are consistently focused on our insecurities, then by nature, our insecurities will manifest itself, one way or the other, in our body language or our lifestyle choices. For example, if I criticize myself as someone who is incapable of being a really good car salesman, this form of appropriation will guarantee that I indeed, shall be, a really bad salesman. Likewise, if I was to imagine myself as someone who was really good at selling cars, then my habits, attitudes, and beliefs will inevitably align themselves to make my mental image my reality. This idea can also be explained by theories such as the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, or Rene Descartes Cogito Ergo Sum (or in layman terms: I think, therefore, I am). As someone who has made a living out of teaching these epistemologies, if not ideologies, once said: "What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve"

              Thus, the goal today should be conceiving for yourself a self-image that is both positive and constructive. It is about being compassionate with yourself, and not trying to find blame in yourself and other people. It is about understanding that everybody makes mistakes and that even the happiest and most successful person today can tell you the story of how they walked through the valley of the shadow of hell. We have all been through catastrophes, tragedies, and honestly, it gets better the moment you believe that you're capable of greater things. As long as you hold and envision a positive and essentially, the ideal image of yourself, in your mind and you hold onto that no matter how thick the fog on your road gets, nothing will get in the way of what you're destined to be.

             Alright! So we made it this far, and we've covered two concepts that are fundamentally important to staying positive, and rather than flood your mind with too much information, I will withdraw from talking about the third concept immediately. Since the third concept is essentially the topic of my next article, I will tie these two articles together, rather than writing so much in one article that you fall asleep before I get to finish. I will leave this video below, in closing, I would like to thank the people that accidentally fall onto my blog and read the entries. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read and comment below. 

       
       

       

Home is Where the Heart is

It's 5:08 AM...a quiet summer night in the normally loud, and obnoxious city of Toronto...

It's really quiet today. I can't hear anything, except for the silently-deafening tapping of my fingers hitting the letters on the keypad of my iPhone 7. I can't sleep either because my mind is racing like a dam that has penetrated open; thinking of all the things I want to accomplish in my life.

I'm 28, recently single, and still haven't found my life purpose. Am I destined to have a family someday? Or is my family, quite possibly, the audience in you that I desperately seek, so I can feed myself like the starving artist that I am.

Will I ever find love? Or is my entire life experience going to turn my heart so numb, that I will become a heart-breaking, energy-seducing vampire, who forgets the fragility of the heart because he forgot he had one. I refuse to accept that I am at my mid-life crisis simply for the fact that, the amount of alcohol I consume, combined with my smoking habits, is such a toxic concoction that if by some miracle I do make it to 56...I will never get to fulfill my desire to be a liver donor.

C'est la vie. That's life. For it wouldn't be life if it wasn't so hard would it? And it's never to late to find yourself. Maybe someday, this blog will get enough support to earn a nickel, and I'll end up a successful writer, driving down the dream-inspiring, dark and alluring, crowded streets of Downtown Toronto in Ferrari Spyder.

No matter what happens, I will always love writing. I remember the amazing English teachers I had in high school, that saw potential in a goofy but handsome, young foreigner, who had some sweet material. Whether I was the top of my class, or even someone who was going to be someone...someday...is beyond me, but what I do know is that Joker is wrong. If you are good at something, sometimes you should do it for free.

Take writing for example, I may never make anything out of this...but to sit here at 5 in the morning, writing into my diary, and then tearing the page out for the world to see, feels like I just lifted an anvil off my chest, and threw it away in memory of Charlie Chaplin's permission to make a fool of myself.
It feels really good. It's almost as if I need to do this. Because in spite of everything I've been through, writing has become my escape.

Tears become rain. Flames turn to ember. And the breath of fresh air will become carbon dioxide on the way out. Writing however, will always be writing. Rather than laugh, cry, or get angry, I choose to stay silent and write about the first few thoughts that come to mind. I'm not here to say the expression of normal emotions such as sadness, anger and joy are not good for you (in fact, research has shown expressing emotion to be highly therapeutic). I'm simply stating that I feel the need to let life's lessons  push me further and further into the hellhole known as productivity.

So here I am, I guess you could say: "I'm home" but I never left, I simply turned my back on myself.

Here's to homecomings and new beginnings...believe me, no matter what we will make it. I will be writing even if I have no money, no love, and no friends. Because we need ourselves to make any of that work, so believe in yourself. Do what makes you happy. God willing, the rest will follow.

I love you.